This Is the Title of This Story, Which Is Also Found Several Times in the Story Itself

This is the first sentence of this story. This is the second sentence. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence is questioning the intrinsic value of the first two sentences. This sentence is to inform you, in case you haven't already realized it, that this is a self-referential story, that is, a story containing sentences that refer to their own structure and function. This is a sentence that provides an ending to the first paragraph.

This is the first sentence of a new paragraph in a self-referential story. This sentence is introducing you to the protagonist of the story, a young boy named Billy. This sentence is telling you that Billy is blond and blue-eyed and American and twelve years old and strangling his mother. This sentence comments on the awkward nature of the self- referential narrative form while recognizing the strange and playful detachment it affords the writer. As if illustrating the point made by the last sentence, this sentence reminds us, with no trace of facetiousness, that children are a precious gift from God and that the world is a better place when graced by the unique joys and delights they bring to it.

This sentence describes Billy's mother's bulging eyes and protruding tongue and makes reference to the unpleasant choking and gagging noises she's making. This sentence makes the observation that these are uncertain and difficult times, and that relationships, even seemingly deep-rooted and permanent ones, do have a tendency to break down.

Introduces, in this paragraph, the device of sentence fragments. A sentence fragment. Another. Good device. Will be used more later.

This is actually the last sentence of the story but has been placed here by mistake. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. As Gregor Samsa awoke one morning from uneasy dreams he found himself in his bed transformed into a gigantic insect. This sentence informs you that the preceding sentence is from another story entirely (a much better one, it must be noted) and has no place at all in this particular narrative. Despite claims of the preceding sentence, this sentence feels compelled to inform you that the story you are reading is in actuality "The Metamorphosis" by Franz Kafka, and that the sentence referred to by the preceding sentence is the only sentence which does indeed belong in this story. This sentence overrides the preceding sentence by informing the reader (poor, confused wretch) that this piece of literature is actually the Declaration of Independence, but that the author, in a show of extreme negligence (if not malicious sabotage), has so far failed to include even one single sentence from that stirring document, although he has condescended to use a small sentence fragment, namely, "When in the course of human events", embedded in quotation marks near the end of a sentence. Showing a keen awareness of the boredom and downright hostility of the average reader with regard to the pointless conceptual games indulged in by the preceding sentences, this sentence returns us at last to the scenario of the story by asking the question, "Why is Billy strangling his mother?" This sentence attempts to shed some light on the question posed by the preceding sentence but fails. This sentence, however, succeeds, in that it suggests a possible incestuous relationship between Billy and his mother and alludes to the concomitant Freudian complications any astute reader will immediately envision. Incest. The unspeakable taboo. The universal prohibition. Incest. And notice the sentence fragments? Good literary device. Will be used more later.

This is the first sentence in a new paragraph. This is the last sentence in a new paragraph.

This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement. This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This sentence raises a serious objection to the entire class of self-referential sentences that merely comment on their own function or placement within the story (e.g., the preceding four sentences), on the grounds that they are monotonously predictable, unforgivably self- indulgent, and merely serve to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which at this point seems to concern strangulation and incest and who knows what other delightful topics. The purpose of this sentence is to point out that the preceding sentence, while not itself a member of the class of self-referential sentences it objects to, nevertheless also serves merely to distract the reader from the real subject of this story, which actually concerns Gregor Samsa's inexplicable transformation into a gigantic insect (despite the vociferous counterclaims of other well- meaning although misinformed sentences). This sentence can serve as either the beginning of the paragraph or end, depending on its placement.

This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself. This is almost the title of the story, which is found only once in the story itself. This sentence regretfully states that up to this point the self-referential mode of narrative has had a paralyzing effect on the actual progress of the story itself -- that is, these sentences have been so concerned with analyzing themselves and their role in the story that they have failed by and large to perform their function as communicators of events and ideas that one hopes coalesce into a plot, character development, etc. -- in short, the very raisons d'etre of any respectable, hardworking sentence in the midst of a piece of compelling prose fiction. This sentence in addition points out the obvious analogy between the plight of these agonizingly self-aware sentences and similarly afflicted human beings, and it points out the analogous paralyzing effects wrought by excessive and tortured self- examination.

The purpose of this sentence (which can also serve as a paragraph) is to speculate that if the Declaration of Independence had been worded and structured as lackadaisically and incoherently as this story has been so far, there's no telling what kind of warped libertine society we'd be living in now or to what depths of decadence the inhabitants of this country might have sunk, even to the point of deranged and debased writers constructing irritatingly cumbersome and needlessly prolix sentences that sometimes possess the questionable if not downright undesirable quality of referring to themselves and they sometimes even become run-on sentences or exhibit other signs of inexcusably sloppy grammar like unneeded superfluous redundancies that almost certainly would have insidious effects on the lifestyle and morals of our impressionable youth, leading them to commit incest or even murder and maybe that's why Billy is strangling his mother, because of sentences just like this one, which have no discernible goals or perspicuous purpose and just end up anywhere, even in mid

Bizarre. A sentence fragment. Another fragment. Twelve years old. This is a sentence that. Fragmented. And strangling his mother. Sorry, sorry. Bizarre. This. More fragments. This is it. Fragments. The title of this story, which. Blond. Sorry, sorry. Fragment after frag- ment. Harder. This is a sentence that. Fragments. Damn good device.

The purpose of this sentence is threefold: (1) to apologize for the unfortunate and inexplicable lapse exhibited by the preceding paragraph; (2) to assure you, the reader, that it will not happen again; and (3) to reiterate the point that these are uncertain and difficult times and that aspects of language, even seemingly stable and deeply rooted ones such as syntax and meaning, do break down. This sentence adds nothing substantial to the sentiments of the preceding sentence but merely provides a concluding sentence to this paragraph, which otherwise might not have one.

This sentence, in a sudden and courageous burst of altruism, tries to abandon the self-referential mode but fails. This sentence tries again, but the attempt is doomed from the start.

This sentence, in a last-ditch attempt to infuse some iota of story line into this paralyzed prose piece, quickly alludes to Billy's frantic cover-up attempts, followed by a lyrical, touching, and beautifully written passage wherein Billy is reconciled with his father (thus resolving the subliminal Freudian conflicts obvious to any astute reader) and a final exciting police chase scene during which Billy is accidentally shot and killed by a panicky rookie policeman who is coincidentally named Billy. This sentence, although basically in complete sympathy with the laudable efforts of the preceding action-packed sentence, reminds the reader that such allusions to a story that doesn't, in fact, yet exist are no substitute for the real thing and therefore will not get the author (indolent goof-off that he is) off the proverbial hook.

Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph. Paragraph.

The purpose. Of this paragraph. Is to apologize. For its gratuitous use. Of. Sentence fragments. Sorry.

The purpose of this sentence is to apologize for the pointless and silly adolescent games indulged in by the preceding two paragraphs, and to express regret on the part of us, the more mature sentences, that the entire tone of this story is such that it can't seem to communicate a simple, albeit sordid, scenario.

This sentence wishes to apologize for all the needless apologies found in this story (this one included), which, although placed here ostensibly for the benefit of the more vexed readers, merely delay in a maddeningly recursive way the continuation of the by-now nearly forgotten story line.

This sentence is bursting at the punctuation marks with news of the dire import of self-reference as applied to sentences, a practice that could prove to be a veritable Pandora's box of potential havoc, for if a sentence can refer or allude to itself, why not a lowly subordinate clause, perhaps this very clause? Or this sentence fragment? Or three words? Two words? One?

Perhaps it is appropriate that this sentence gently and with no trace of condescension reminds us that these are indeed difficult and uncertain times and that in general people just aren't nice enough to each other, and perhaps we, whether sentient human beings or sentient sentences, should just try harder. I mean, there is such a thing as free will, there has to be, and this sentence is proof of it! Neither this sentence nor you, the reader, is completely helpless in the face of all the pitiless forces at work in the universe. We should stand our ground, face facts, take Mother Nature by the throat and just try harder.

By the throat. Harder. Harder, harder.

Sorry.

This is the title of this story, which is also found several times in the story itself.

This is the last sentence of the story.


-This sentence tells you that the story you just read is A Self-Referential Story by David Moser, taken from http://consc.net/misc/moser.html. This sentence is to tell you that the last sentence is self-referential and written in case you think this story is original. This is the last sentence of this extremely long blog post made longer by this sentence that you're reading now which you are still reading even though at this very moment you have no idea why because you can see that this sentence is purposeless, yet you're still reading this sentence all the way to the end because you are curious to see how it does end, leaving you only two options: an exasperated sigh or a big huge chuckle.

Wholesome laughter

Now that medicine really packs a punch.

Desolation

So many paths. So many choices. So long the roads, they stretch out into the distance with no end in sight. Which, why, when? Questions abound.

The chains tug at me. Chains to the past, chains to the future. I struggle, they burn. I roar, they solidify. I run, they yank, I fall, they drag me back. Escape, escape! They cry "Duty! Obligation! Reason!"

"Madness, madness! Let me go!" I scream. They sneer, they let go. I stumble to my knees, and the chains fall off. Momentary disbelief, excitement, hope. They walk away.

Unbound, I follow. What? Why? I don't know. I move as if the chains remain, though my mind screams otherwise. "Go! Run!" I can't. Unchained, I am still bound.

A bright star twinkles above. It comforts me, gives me hope. Then another, and another. They shine down on me, with love. My heart leaps in my chest. Here now, is reason to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

But my mind sneers. "Fool! They're millions of light-years away!" I despair. My spirit evaporates in the wind. I cannot argue. They're so far away. So far away.

Desolation.



But the voice of truth tells me a different story.

Voice of truth

Oh,what I would do to have
the kind of faith it takes
To climb out of this boat I'm in
Onto the crashing waves
To step out of my comfort zone
Into the realm of the unknown
Where Jesus is,
And he's holding out his hand

But the waves are calling out my name
and they laugh at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The waves they keep on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
You'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

Oh, what I would do
to have the kind of strength it takes
To stand before a giant
with just a sling and a stone
Surrounded by the sound
of a thousand warriors
shaking in their armor
Wishing they'd have had the strength to stand

But the giant's calling out
my name and he laughs at me
Reminding me of all the times
I've tried before and failed
The giant keeps on telling me
time and time again
"Boy, you'll never win,
you'll never win."

But the voice of truth tells me a different story
The voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"
And the voice of truth says "this is for my glory"
Out of all the voices calling out to me
I will choose to listen and believe the voice of truth

-Voice of Truth, Casting Crowns-

Silence isn't always golden

Sometimes the world outside is deathly silent, but inside one is screaming silently. Outer peace, inner chaos. It helps sometimes then to scream. This is how I screamed:



That made me feel better. Outer chaos, inner peace. Then I started fooling around with the piano:



*shrug* I doubt that most of that can even be labeled music. Ah, well, at least it was fun.

On a different note, yesterday it snowed heavily enough for me to throw my first snowball in a decade. Walking around while the snow falls is even better than walking in the rain. It is beauty at its most uncouth.

Oh, and if anyone is wondering, snow tastes like concentrated mineral water, if there is such a thing. Hmm.

Ingratitude

I got a letter from the Dean of my college today. This is how it went:

"Dear Jia,

Congratulations on the exceptional academic record you have compiled for the first semester of your freshman year. I am sure that your grades result from sound study habits, hard work, and consistent effort.

Please know how important it is to have a cadre of students who set a standard of academic excellence for the College. I am pleased that your name is part of this list, and I look forward to your continuing success during your four years at Sewanee.

My congratulations!"


Yeah, so I made the Dean's List. Woohoo. Haha, I guess I should sound more excited, and I was, until I re-read the part of the letter that went "Please know how important it is to have a cadre of students who set a standard of academic excellence for the College." That irritated me some. They're telling ME how important it is for THEM to have ME on the list??? That sounds like saying that ME being on the list is THEIR effort, as if they had no other choice.

Whatever. I guess I'm nitpicking here. Only it's during times like these when I remember that Sewanee dropped from 34 to 45 on the college rankings this year. Almost makes me feel as if they lured me here with a huge scholarship just to boost their rankings. It reminds me of a time when I told a fellow student my SAT scores and he shook his head and said, "You shouldn't be here." What a blow to my confidence. But I suppose that's not an unexpected reaction. If you knew my SAT scores and current GPA (not telling) you'd probably tell me same thing as well. *sigh*

But then I think some more and realize how lucky I am to be here. Sewanee's really a great place, regardless of the rankings. Challenging courses, great professors, good facilities, and a big huge whopping financial aid package. I guess I just have an overinflated sense of self-importance.

It's just that when I hear of people getting into high ranking universities and colleges I feel a twinge of....envy. Maybe even jealousy.

I'm ashamed of my ingratitude.

Music mad-e

Two days ago I bought a digital voice recorder. And though it is a VOICE recorder, I definitely didn't tape any voices. Here's what I taped (WARNING: some of the pieces are pretty long, ten minutes plus, so don't bother listening all the way to the end if you don't like it):







Yes, music composed by me, myself, and I. Okay, so maybe not all of the tunes are original, parts of it might sound familiar, but it's still something I put together myself. I haven't gotten rid of the background static and echoes, though, and they're unedited (read FULL OF MISTAKES), so I must say they're pretty rough quality-wise. Still, that's my own personal brand of music, and I hope you liked it.

Light and Dark

The human mind is a funny thing. Its greatest strength is its ability to adapt, to change, and to learn. It recognizes its surroundings and in a way conforms to them. Because of it, we can build skyscrapers, paint beautiful pictures, and figure out the speed of light. Because of it we can create marvels as well as destroy them in an instant. Much of what we as human beings is to adapt. To adapt to changing times and situations, changing technologies and knowledge, changing people and changing environments. And as we adapt, we change the world around us. And as we change the world around us, we are forced to adapt to those changes. And so the cycle continues. A permanent state of non-equilibrium, almost. Kinda like evolution.

People say that these changes are signs of growth. That they're signs that the people of today are fitter, stronger, smarter, healthier, BETTER. But is that really true? Sure, now we can send people to the Moon, maybe even to Mars. Sure, the average lifespan is now 70 years when it used to be 40. And sure, people (in America at least) have enough food that each consumes on an average 3 times the amount needed to survive. We drive fast cars, fly aeroplanes, and devastate 25 miles of earth in 0.2 seconds with a single nuclear bomb.

So yes, we've changed. And the world has become smaller, faster, more modernized. But have things really gotten BETTER? Have things actually IMPROVED? So maybe we can live twice as long. But we also work twice as much. We can do things twice as fast but have twice as many things to worry about. We have twice the chance to succeed but also twice the chance to fail. And most importantly, have we grown as HUMAN BEINGS? There may be more love and peace, but there's more fear and hate as well. There's more kindness, but there's also so much more selfishness and cruelty. With the ability to help also comes the ability to withhold, to be selfish, to disdain, to NOT CARE. So much more light, and so much more darkness.

You see, the funny thing about the mind is that its ability to adapt also gives it a particular discontentment. We have gone from being able to adapt to WANTING to adapt and change. The more we have attempted to satisfy the mind the more the mind is unsatisfied. We crave something faster, something smaller, something less expensive, something more green, something more SATISFYING. And it is never enough. Our cellphones let us contact anyone in the world anytime, anyplace, and yet we want it to have a camera, an internet connection, a music player, GPS, and invisible full keyboard, and in the future why not let them give us a caffeine boost as well? We have landed on the Moon, and now we want to land on Mars. What's next? Jupiter? Io and Ganymede? Pluto and Ceres? The Andromeda Galaxy? Alpha Centauri? The universe is EXPANDING, for goodness sake. And still we desire to travel to the ends of the universe. Oh, the pride of humanity. In the words of Britney's greatest fan, Chris Crocker, "Her song was called Gimme More for a reason, 'cause all you people want is more, more, MORE!" Slightly hysterical and absurd, yes, but with a ring of truth nonetheless.

So what now? In the face of the limitless cravings of the human mind, what are our options? To attempt to satiate what cannot be satiated? To go back to a past which knowledge has destroyed forever? Of course not. Our only hope is to find peace and contentment within an ever-changing world. Not to halt change or to accelerate it, but to find some way to be CONTENT with it. To be aware of it and to be both a part of it as well as distinct from it. To hold on to the last vestiges of humanity while accepting and welcoming the inevitable changes of life. To simultaneously change and not change. A difficult proposition, indeed.

There was once a world that was without light. But it wasn't dark, mind you, it was simply without darkness. For without light, how can darkness exist? Then one day, light came, and with it, darkness. The inhabitants of the world loved the light and hated the darkness, and to banish the darkness they created more light. But more light served only to accentuate the darkness. More light served only to emphasize that which was still unlighted. And the brighter the world became, the greater the darkness loomed. The greater the darkness loomed, the more fearful the inhabitants were, and the brighter the world became. It was a never-ending cycle.

And that's our problem. Before mankind developed space travel we could only dream of landing on the Moon. But landing on the Moon didn't banish that desire. It only accentuated the fact that there is so much more in the universe that mankind has yet to conquer. The more we have, the more we are aware of what we DON'T have. And the more we know, the more we are aware of what we DON'T know. It's a seemingly never-ending cycle. The more we give, the more there is to give to. The more we love, the more hate there seems to be in the world.

And yet that is the way things should be. For without hate, how can we appreciate love? Without darkness, how can we appreciate light? Without grief, how can we appreciate joy? Without tasting bitterness, how can we appreciate what is sweet? How can we appreciate the extent of which mankind has progressed if we do not know how much further there is to go? Without the awareness of a man suffering in agony on his deathbed, how can we appreciate the beauty of a newborn child's cry? Without the view of barren, empty landscapes, how can we appreciate lush, verdant forests? And without the horrible smell of autumnal decomposition, who can appreciate the sweet smells of spring flowers? Without the cold of winter who can appreciate the heat of summer? Just as the light accentuates the darkness, so does the darkness give meaning to light. And so in the same way the ugliness of the world we live in gives meaning to the beauty there is.

And THAT is worth living for.

120 seconds to get elected

A young politician has 120 seconds to convince people to vote for him.



The following is the transcript of his speech. Important words and phrases have been underlined for your convenience.

"First, I am positively sure that you all want jobs because with jobs you will have money. And one sure thing is that everybody wants money. With money you can buy things that will bring you happiness after a good day of work.

If you do elect me, you will work. [booing] But… not… too much! I understand you, too much work brings you away from your family. I believe, the root of society, you don’t want to work, you want money! More you have money more you will be happy. That’s mathematics, you know. That’s why…that’s why…we will cut… the TAXES! You don’t want me to take your money. You want to keep your money for yourself! You don’t want to be poor, you want to be RICH! Let’s fight poverty together, let’s ban poverty. Poverty will be ILLEGAL! All the poor will be put in work camps. So that they will become rich. But not too much. If they become too much rich, there will be no more poor anymore, and without poor who will be rich? And want thing you don’t want is for the poor to take your money.

So to protect you from the danger of poverty, we will invest your money in the ARMY! A lot of money, that’s true, to protect your money. Education doesn’t bring money, education brings QUESTIONS, and we already have THE ANSWER! The same thing about climate change, I see no link between icebergs and money! Nature is the only thing that don’t NEED money. Happiness is richness, NOW. Do you want to be rich, NOW? Then vote for me!

God bless you."

Absurd yet thoughtful. Hmm.

Answers to exam questions

These are real answers given by students in Britain in exams.

Name the four seasons.
Salt, mustard, pepper, vinegar

What changes happen to your body as you age?
When you get old, so do your bowels and you get inter-continental

What is a common treatment for a badly bleeding nose? Circumcision

"I've said goodbye to my boyhood, now I'm looking forward to my adultery."

"I always know when its time to get up when I hear my mother sharpening the toast.

"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."

"Cows produce large amounts of methane, so the problem could be solved by fitting them with catalytic converters."

"The process of flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists."

"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader"

"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire."

"A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."

"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."

"The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u."

"To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."

"To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."

"The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects."

"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."

"The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."

"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."

Taken from BBC.co.uk.